What is exactly an Inner child? Well, psychologists defines it as, ‘a part of our mind which deals with the emotional experiences of our childhood.’ Think of it as a lens through which we view our childhood. The way we percieved certain events back, which directly or indirectly affected our self esteem and triggering responses in certain cases. It also directly or indirectly influences our choices like career, relationships, parenthood etc.
Why exactly does it happen?
Well in our childhood( till age 8-9years) we are in an altered state of consiousness, and too young to see the bigger picture of why certain bad things happened to us. We tend to be egocentric back then and think each and every bad thing which happens to us because we were not good enough, not considering the other factors which might have led to those things. We tend to impart self assigned meaning to each and everything and happens to us. For eg- If dad comes home from work in a grumpy mood regularly, we tend to think thats it because of us since we are not good enough he doesnt loves us anymore, not considering the fact that he might be in tremendous work pressure or other stuffs which might have led to the grumpy mood. We tend to make everything about us. What it can lead to is in adult life if our partners return home from work in a grumpy mood, it might sometimes trigger a childish reaction from us because of our wounded inner child. It can lead to unnecessary arguments or being defensive and distancing ourselves from them( coping mechanisms) thinking they dont love us anymore. This happens cause we keep retelling ourselves the same story.
Types of Inner child wounds-
Guilt wounds- It develops when in our childhood our family members makes us feel guilty on small things. They generally do it so we dont do bad things but it has several repercussions.
– we feel sorry or bad for everything
– we dont like to ask for anything
– we use guilt to manipulate others
– we are afraid to set boundaries
-we normally attract people who makes us feel guilty
Abondonment wound- It develops when one our parents ( generally in divorce cases) or family member leave us. It also develops in death of family members.
– we fear to be left out always, while with friends or planning for any trip.
-We ate being alone, thinking that no one cares or loves us.
– We tend to be over dependent on our partners or friends for emotional support.
– we threaten to leave even at slighest of misunderstandings
– we attract emotionally unattached people.
Trust wounds- It generally develops when someone in our childhood breaks our trust. It can be our parents, friends anyone.
– we are afraid to be hurt, so we are always emotionally defensive
– we dont trust anyone, and find ways to not trust anyone
– we feel left out and seek for a lot if external validation
– we normally attract people, who dont feel safe.
Neglect wound- It develops generally when our parents dont give us the necessary attention and also when they praise someone else infront of us, neglecting our achievements.
– we struggle to let things go
– we have low self worth
– we get angry easily
– we struggle to say NO
– we repress our emotions
– we fear being vulnerable.
How to heal inner child wound?
Well first step we need to acknowledge the fact that we have an wounded child within us. We need to find our type of wound their respective trigger. We have to use the trigger as a guide to get into the roots of the issue. We need to tell ourselves whatever happened wasnt because of us, because of the situation and also mistakes made by our family members afterall they are humans too. We need to ask our inner child what needs to be considered and also talk to our friends and partner about our emotional needs and triggers.
My personal experience-
Well I suffered from abondonment and neglect wounds as my dad didnt live with me and visited me once every 6 months back then. Also my parents used to give more attention to my cousins and they did tend to neglect my achievements and also compared me with each and everyone. I grew up thinking I wasnt worthy of love and affection, and thus did affect my relationships and friendships. I used to get triggered by late replies and not getting attentions from friends in my late teens. I always wanted to be the centre of conversation to feel important. Thankfully I worked on it and got my closure and subdued my triggers to a great extent.
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