Toxic relationships

We all need people we can connect to, to feel comfortable around, to share our highs and supporting us in our lows. We as humans are social animals and its very imperative to form bonds to have a healthy living. But at times( and it has happened with almost everyone) the bond itself destroys us mentally and affects our quality of life and happiness. But still we hold on to it, and thus marks the beginning of toxic attachment.

So what is a toxic attachment? It was a form of codependency where one person stays with another despite the relationship is eating up his/ her happiness on a daily basis.

So why people stay despite them knowing it is becoming toxic? My simple answer is LOW SELF ESTEEM and Self esteem in simple words is how you perceive yourself. If you have a negative outlook about yourself you will never be happy with yourself. If you a positive outlook about yourself, you will be happy no matter what. Having a healthy self esteem is not about thinking I am the best everyone loves me, but its about thinking I know I have my flaws like all humans, even if others dont like me, I will be happy with myself. People with low self esteem often end up in toxic relationships because they feel validated by their partner( who again has low self esteem and is toxic, cause toxic people attracts toxic people).

In a toxic relationship one person plays the role of a victim, the other as a saviour. Both have low self esteem. The victim always complains, overthinks about problems in life( we all have problems in life no matter what), cant handle themselves, isnt happy and is always and always dependent on the other person to feel good and validated. The other person, always solves the personal life problems of the victim and always makes him/her feel good and validated even if he/she doesnt mean it. They do it basically with the thought process that if I solve his/ her problems, I make them feel good about themselves, than they will stay with me and make me feel good about myself( Told ya, low self esteem and validation seeker both of them). This kind of relation where one person is dependent on the other person to feel good, high, confident, calm is nothing but like taking drugs or getting drunk to temporarily get high and escape life problems. Rather than facing the problems the person takes an temporary escape. Also I read somewhere love and cocaine stimulates the same part of the brain and the person feels similar joy in both cases.

Toxic relationship ends very easily because-

1. Its nothing but a superficial bond with no deeper connection.

2. Sooner or later, one of them realises its wrong and detrimental to mental health and leaves,leaving the other person in a some severe form of toxic mental state.

3. One of them finds someone more attractive( another toxic person, because toxicity attracts toxicity) and leaves the relation to be with a more ‘attractive’ validator.

In a toxic relationship there is no deeper bond or trust as trust requires complete honesty and conflict( yea you read that right). No two person can have 100% similarity, there is bound to be conflicts in a relation. If one person always agrees with other person, deep inside even the other person know that he/she is lying and thus dishonesty affects the relation.

Let me take an example of X and Y.

In first scenario both of them have healthy self esteem. X doesnt like that Y smokes and X tells honestly that to Y. Y quietly listens( because healthy relations need open communications), and tells X that he/she cant quit smoking( for whatsoever reasons) but wont smoke infront of X because X is uncomfortable with it. Both of them accepts what they cant change also finds a healthy way to accomodate their flaws together. Another thing which can happen is X tells Y about the side affects of smoking, and why one shouldnt do it. Y listens quitely and gives it a thought that yeah it will affect me and people near me, so for the betterment of everyone Y quits. In here X showed whats right and wrong to Y and left the decision on Y and also not forcing his/her opinion on Y, nor emotionally blackmailing or threatening Y that if Y doesnt quite smoking X will leave Y. Neither Y left smoking because X doesnt like it, because with healthy self esteem one doesnt change his/ her way to accomodate other person in my life. Healthy self esteem People change because they believe it is better for them and for everyone else not to impress and accomodate a certain person.

Scenario 2, both X and Y have low self esteem and are in a toxic relationship- X because of low self esteem is afraid to tell Y to quit smoking( afraid to express your opinion because of how the other person will react- Toxicity 101), Y keeps smoking infront of X because he/she feels entitled to other person’s affection no matter what. Or somehow X manages to tell Y about quitting smoking, Y overthinks,gets anxious, starts to yell that you dont like anything about me, you are not giving the love I want( toxicity A+). Or Y quits smoking against his/ her will to impress X so that X stays in Y’s life make Y feel validated because Y cant make ownself feel good because of low self esteem. Worst possible case X starts smoking too, so Y feels good( welcome to my ted talk of how to be toxic and stupid xD)

People with low self esteem keep ending up in toxic circles because-

1. Toxicity attracts toxicity

2. Need to feel validated by someone else, will only happen if you date a toxic person.

No healthy person will ever validate you. A toxic person will lie, manipulate, solve your personal life problems to keep you in his/her life to feel good, a healthy person will show you whats the right thing to do and support you but wont cross your personal space and solve your problem for you.

Post breakup we all gain some sort of toxicity, which is normal. Rather than giving ourselves time to heal( if we have low self esteem) we keep jumping from one date to another, and the vicious cycle continues of validating and being validated( because as I said earlier its like a drug, a temporary escape to life’s problem, a deadly addiction). Trust me most young people find toxic people exciting interesting, sexually turn on because of the make you feel good factor and healthy people boring, mundane and strict( heard of the term, people like bad,nasty people). This momentary excitement can ruin your mental peace forever.A healthy person will take time post breakup, detox him/herself and then after being completely healthy again will get back to the dating field. Even suicide threats or commiting it post breakup comes from a toxic person because he/she doesnt know how to handle his/her life.

See honestly we have been in such relations atleast once. To detox ourselves and to be in a healthy relationship in future, We have to learn to spend time alone,learn to be happy with ourselves. Pursuing a hobby, spending time with family, solo trips are a great way to know ourselves, what we actually want, what gives us real joy( and not just the sexual thrill). Heal yourself first cause just as toxicity attracts toxicity, healthy people attracts healthy people.

My personal experience, I once dated a girl who forced me to dress in a certain way, shave in a certain way or else she wont go out with me. I felt caged for months. After we ended things I felt relieved, I felt free, thats when I realised the amount of toxicity in me, which resulted in attracting toxic partners. I never took out time for myself and thus my toxicity kept increasing day by day. Once I realised and started to detox myself, I felt more positive, calmer more confident and happy. My personal tip will be read a few books which helped me( mentioned below), write a journal daily letting out your whole day’s anger and frustation and spend more time with family.

Books I recommend-

Bhagwat Geeta

The subtle art of not giving a f*ck by Mark Manson

Atomic habits by James Clear

Eat that frog by Brian tracy